I wish Mom Jeans were popular. They make so much sense for the practical, every day thirty year old. In my opinion, you don’t even need to be a mom to make this fashion statement. Instead, you need to be a woman whose metabolism has decided to basically stop at the age of thirty encouraging the seedlings of love handles to bloom or a part of the anti-crack campaign.
I went to high school in the late nineties when low rise jeans were starting to hit their stride. I couldn’t wait to wiggle my way into a pair of jeans with a one inch zipper. I was thin, in shape and had a body I envy today. I looked great in those jeans. I had not a worry in the world, except constant plumber’s butt. It was awful. I needed a higher waist jean. Even when I stood perfectly still, my crack was practically waving to anyone who looked its way. This was the beginning of my struggle between dressing in style or being comfortable. I was always tugging at my pants and my Wet Seal shirt in an effort to get them to meet somewhere in the middle. It was a constant battle for me but one I was going to win. I was not going to be the teenager who succumbed to Mom Jeans.
My high school skinny left me as soon as I went to college. I filled out due to the large amounts of beer I consumed and late night meals of anything that could be made in a hot pot. Just like the rising of water as it starts to boil, there were my newly formed love handles rising out of top of my jeans. The skin was soft and buoyant like a warm muffin. My crack looked like it had cheek bones. My pants and Wet Seal shirt were losing the battle. The ship was going down. At the age of 22, it was time to move to a mid-rise jean.
Mid-rise jeans were the next best thing to sliced bread. They were much more comfortable than low rise. Plus, they kept everything in check. My plumber’s butt only appeared on special occasions like when I squatted to pick flowers while frolicking through fields. My love handles were cozy and contained. I stopped shopping at Wet Seal opting for longer shirts and the tugging stopped.
The rest of my twenties was great. I looked good. I was comfortable. Life was a peach. Then, I turned thirty. My metabolism has come to a halt. My body is turning soft all over, and I’m tugging at my pants more than ever to hide the changes. I’m uncomfortable and fear people will find out what I’m hiding underneath my high waist pants. I just want to be comfortable again. I need a higher waist without looking like an idiot. The problem is everyone looks like an idiot in high waist pants; just ask Jessica Simpson.
I’ve been going to the gym to recover my twenty something body but I fear it’s not going to work. I don’t want a muffin top. I need a back-up plan. I need Mom Jeans to be popular – just in case.